I have a surging requirement to write. As if there is a significantly enormous moth stuck in my throat, in need to come out. But no matter how many blank sheets of paper lies there in front of me, this moth never comes to birth. It stays down there, half choking me out of breath, and the other half killing me with…what is it?; Frustration? Maybe, I can’t tell because it doesn’t have the right word or maybe it’s the moth that has to be blamed again. And I know; writing about not being able to write is not an excuse for writing about not being able to write.
I remember the words of one poet whose work I truly value; Charles Bukowski. He said, ‘If it is not springing out of you like a free bird, do not write.’ Well now when I think about it, I don’t believe he said it in those exact words, but it was something along the lines. I don’t have the best of all memories, either; I should probably add, for your information most deliberately. Because people expect of me to remember all sorts of information and data like names, birthdays, random dates, the prize of three kilos of chili … to mention a few. And my moth infected brain does not insist!
I mean, who on earth with a normally functioning digestive system would buy two kilos of chili? Oh… I know.
‘Life remains a blessing
although, you cannot bless’ -W. H Auden
And doesn’t it ever occur to you how miserable things are? Real happiness just seems to be a promise. So we undertake this ongoing journey to find it for that thirst, that satisfaction we so desire.
With everything we get, we lose something we already have…
I don’t believe in god. Is that a crime? I know that if there really is a god, he would forgive me for being so blind of his existence which must be obvious, since so many people believe in him. But you see, I have come to learn that it is far better to find by surprise than to believe and expect it, only to find in the end that they are all lies. That is why I don’t expect much from life. I only give. I don’t expect much from people. I give.
I don’t even expect for people to talk with me anymore in the least.They all would be bending their heads into their phones, lost in a world which can only touch them at their fingertips. It’s true what they say, after all.
‘Everybody dies. But not everybody lives.’
I feel terribly lonely, like I’m the only survivor on earth.
Isn’t it incredible how everything just halts at the edge of the land? I was standing on the rooftop restaurant of this hotel and this view simply took my breath away. The soil or earth must be the next greatest necessity after oxygen, water and food.
And the day after, I met this amazing woman, Barbara Sansoni. She’s an artist. At least that’s the side that inspires me most. The one advice that she gave me was not to be a goat in my profession…more like when I enter my profession. If I ever stay on it, that is I guess. Because I still am on the fence about what I might do in the future. It’s not because I doubt myself. Well, I do doubt myself. But that is not the reason for my unstable mindset. I think its because there are so many things I want to do. And I’m afraid that by doing one, I might not be able to do the rest. And I’m still thinking about the pathway that would allow me to do them all.
This sure is a little gruesome for me. Okay, it’s terribly gruesome. But I am trying to my best right now. And that best seems to be so far away from what I really do.
“Don’t you know that only fools get satisfied-” Billy Joel. But the next line is a big let down. I don’t even want to mention it here.
But what am I thinking? Some dreams…they just have to be erased.
But people can’t be trees, can they? Still, if I were a tree, life would be much more bearable. I hope that is the right word…Trees are amazing beings. Strong and magnificent!
According to some people who believe in reincarnation, after we die, we can even be born as trees. If so, then in my next life, that is what I would want. To be a tree. It’s not much, but it would be better than being a delicate human. Maybe I wished too late. But just in case, I would like to make the wish at least now.
My greatest wish as a kid was to read as many books as I possibly could. Which was of course an impossible amount. My second wish was for a bubble blower. I never got one. I still have never tried it. How pathetic is it now?
I look into nature when I can’t find answers in people. When there are no answers in the slowly fading steam of the trains. Or the heat of the granite benches. I try to find the answers in the faces of people too. But they are sometimes too deceiving than even the equatorial summer skies.
But nature is kind. Nature doesn’t pretend or lie. The author of the 64$ Tomato, William Alexander once said, “Earth teach me courage as the tree which stands all alone…”
I think I am now officially friendless. Does this mean that I’m a bad person? Well I have never done any wrong to anyone as far as I can remember. And I remember a considerable amount of my past as well. About to the time that I began walking. About to the time that I used to sit on my mother’s lap and perch my head on her chest. You can take my word on this because my mother gave up holding me that way as soon as I could pretty much sit on my own without falling.
I contemplated a lot on my social aspects. And came to the conclusion that only my parents would really come to me at times of trouble. I really don’t have a friend that I can really wholeheartedly “brag” about as my “friend.” Willa Cather say that the heart of another is a dark forest, Always, no matter how close it has been to ones own.
I try to imagine what my heart is like. I think it’s more like a misty plain…or maybe a lonely beach.
Another thing I try to find an answer is to why I’m always alone? Is it because I don’t talk all that much? That is probably the answer. And because I’m not that funny or sarcastic or “badass”. And everyday I try to make a list in my mind of the things that I have done for other and the things that they have done for me. It usually goes as something like 10- 0. I never ask for much from others…But it breaks me a little to think that people only come to me or people are only nice to me when they want something done. I’m like a last resort at times of peril. Sigh…Not a human being with feelings. So you see, I’m better off as a tree. I love trees.
“Love me or hate me, both are in my favour…If you love me, I’ll always be in your heart…If you hate me, I’ll always be in your mind” -William Shakespeare.
But I would never hate you.
I think I learned a good lesson today. Either do your best or don’t do nothing at all. Like somethings always do, I had to learn that the hard way.
But ambition is a bitch. I’m not just saying that. It’s the truth. Too much of it, and a person can even end up dead before his time. But like with every other bitch, there is a way to deal with ambition too. It took me a little too long to learn that too.
But you see, I’m a slow learner. I always have been. I don’t like to rush through life. I’m more of the type that slows down once in a while and look around. Feel the temperature of the moment. That’s how one can know that he’s living. Otherwise we only do things out of habit or responsibility and never know the person sitting next to you. Did you know, that you can almost know what another is going through by listening to that person’s breathing? People never give time for that. Because we are always in a rush and the wind is always against our ears two hundred miles per hour.
But where are we going?
Surviving a project can be a bit harsh sometimes. I wrap my feet around my chair and think till my head hurts. But I can never impress the tutors like some do. Not to compare myself, but I am literally “bad” in it.
I have no idea what so ever on how to design this particular ‘rural park.’ It is close to a small town and only full of trees. And the people living in that town ‘has better things to do than to wander in a park.’ That’s what they say about it.
I have many designs in my head, but none of them seems to mingle in with that place.
It is sort of a town where they have a lot of dairy products. So I thought to make it an agro park where the town people will sell their products to visitors. But will there be that many visitors, as to fill up a whole park and to function it? No. Its like in the other side of the country. There will be max 20 visits per day. That’s not enough, considering the size of the park.
Well my lecturer said that it can be made into a place where they keep their cattle. But now I can’t do it, because he said it. Then I thought about making a place with cattle and milk bars. So that the customers can watch the animals as they enjoy their drink. But then another lecturer said that idea out loud. Now I can’t do it either, for then I will be stealing their stuff. Although he stole it from me first.
Then I thought about doing an arboretum. There are already so many trees there and there must be ones of great value as well. And it can easily be conserved with the governing body over it. But that idea was already taken by someone else. I didn’t even bother saying that I had that idea too.
Then I thought to make a forest there. Like a space that really stands out once someone pass through the area. A forest that stands beside the road. First the tutors were like “hmmm…” and then they were like ” …good approach” and then like “Does a forest really matter to this people?” Well…he’s right. They have forests everywhere. Why would they need a forest in their park too?
So now I’m right where I began. No idea, no concept, no design, no life.
And I have to get my idea approved tomorrow. Can things get any more miserable than this?
they can also be too simple sometimes
with slopes and nudges and rocks and a million
other things that the
clay stiffens so simply on their skin
in rain sagged soil
I have always been mesmerized by water. The ocean, rivers, rain…I can spend forever just watching those small pools of catch-basins where water collects only drop by drop.
When I sit for exams and cannot think of the answer in anyway humane (there are different ways to think. The humane way is when you are nicely sitting down. There are others ways to think too, but we’ll talk about them later 😉 I think about certain things that cannot be written for the answer.
So yesterday this happened to me again…I was supposed to write about Halogen lamps. But this tiny detail about it that I direly wanted had decided to officially slip out of my mind. So instead, I thought about stomach acid. Did you know that it’s strong enough to even dissolve razor blades? (Now this doesn’t mean you can eat razor blades. I’m sure you can’t eat razor blades).